Diapers by NASA, Porn by Telus

So recently we heard about the cost of true love, which is your dignity when you drive 900 miles in a pair of diapers in order to kill/threaten/stalk/visit the person with whom your true love is cheating on you. And I thought, "it can't get any weird than this."

I have to stop thinking that. Seriously. 'Cause weird things keep happening when I do.

According to a story posted on http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2007/02/11/telus.html, the CBC website, it is now possible to download porn onto your cell phone. Because goodness knows, at some point we've all wanted to liven up a boring meeting or spend some quality time at the water cooler with a few shots of T-'n-A. And hey, let's be cliched and say that no smoke break is complete unless it has started with some good porn.

The point of the CBC article is two-fold: (a) Telus is serving up porn-by-phone and people are miffed, and (b) the Vancouver archbishop in particular is considering asking Catholic institutions to cancel their Telus service. In response to complaints from both the public in general and Catholic clergy specifically, Jim Johannsson, the Telus spokesperson, says 'there's big bucks in sex, so why can't we pimp our phones?'

Okay, that isn't what he actually said. According to the previously-posted website, "the company is neither breaking the law nor is it providing something that has not been available on cellphones for some time... 'the reality is that adult content has been available on cellphones equipped with web browsers for the past several years with no controls of any kind.... we feel that the responsible thing to do is put in place age verification controls and to ensure that the content complies with all provincial standards and regulations and is legal for download in Canada.'"

And apparently Juniper Research, a British research firm, predicts revenues of $14.5 billion dollars in "adult content" mobile material over the next 5 years. So the "responsible thing" is to cash in, and cash in quick. Even if stockholders disagree, such as Meritas Mutual Funds, who in understated fashion were 'disappointed' in Telus' decision.

So, a few thoughts... which I will share as soon as I stop banging my head against the wall in the futile hope that this is a very very very very very bad dream....

a) who buys this stuff? I mean, seriously; when are you not able to access porn the old-fashioned way, through a computer? Or... heck, think outside the box here... a magazine? Like God... I mean... like Heffner... intended?!?! If you aren't in a private setting, should you really be LOOKING at porn? And if you are in a private setting, use a computer. A laptop. Your imagination!!!

The notion that workmates could be sneaking off to the bathroom with a cellphone for a little menage-a-cell is just too bizarre for me to wish to contemplate. And that's if the person 'dials in' in private. Now you have to start wondering just what the person sitting next to you on the plane, or standing behind you on the subway, is really watching on his/her cellphone screen... wonder... and shudder....

Besides: research has revealed connections with "hard" porn to the victimization of others, especially of women and children. In all honesty, I'm not really sure about "soft porn," except that it's a 'gateway-porn' like marijuana is a 'gateway drug.' But given the connection between hard porn and victimization, should we really be providing MORE porn? Is ours a society that could use a bit more victimization? Bringing porn into public areas just increases the likelihood of harrassment .

b) the notion that Telus is being "responsible" by putting age constraints is laughable... and I'd be laughing, if I wasn't rocking and whimpering. Their statements suggest that, if they didn't sell porn through the phone, any underaged impressionable youth could access it through their on-phone web browser instead. But this isn't an "instead" kind of deal. First, this is an "in addition" kind of deal. Many porn sites also have age constraints, but kids can work around them, and I doubt many determined young... researchers... would be constrained for long by any barriers programmed by Telus. It's rather like saying that any kid can get a gun from his dad's locked cabinet or her mom's closet shelf, so we're gonna include one in the cereal box. But we'll only sell the cereal to those 18 and older. The subsequent run on cereal would make the run on the first Tickle-Me-Elmo look like selling porsches during the Great Depression... if they HAD porsches back then... the point is, the cereal would be gone faster than you could fill the shelves. Faster than a NASA astronaut could change her own diapers. Faster than Clinton could drop his pants. Faster than... but I digress.

c) the argument 'well, they have it already through web-browsing' seems somewhat plausible, and I'm having a hard time refuting it. Until I think (i) I've always found web navigation to be a lot harder on phones than it is on computer, and I'm likely not the only one, so that's gotta be a detractor, and (ii) it isn't sent right to you, you have to hunt it out. Plus, and most importantly:

d) most internet companies and computer companies don't use access to porn as a marketing strategy, as Telus is. It's a sales tool aimed at the young and perverted (not necessarily the same group), that stinks like bubble-gum-flavored cigarettes.